A Taste Of Irish Humour!

Paddy came to Dublin for a few days and decided to have a haircut. He went to the salon and asked: "How much is a haircut?" "Haircuts start at fifteen pounds."  Wow! he thought, I didn't expect it to be that much. "What about a shave?" he asked. "That would be five pounds."  Paddy sat down on the chair. "Shave my head then," He said.

When Gas was introduced, a Dubliner told her friend what an improvement it was over thecoal range. " I lit it two weeks ago and it hasn't gone out yet."

"Your Honour, we find the man who stole the mare Not Guilty."

Paddy's wife said the worst thing about him is that when he's not drunk he's sober.

In Dublins fair city,

A striking exception was Molly Malone!

An Irish Visitor sat listening as an English politician ranted on a long speech. " I was born an Englishman, and I have lived as an Englishman, and I hope to die an Englishman!" shouted the speaker.  The Irishman turned to his mate and said " Has this man no ambition at all?"

To Make Irish Stew

Take I Pound of stewing lamb, two large onions, four pounds of potatoes,  six pints of stout.

Open and consume the stout.

Forget about the rest!     

Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom.   He slowed down  wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go,  he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.  Paddy sat back in his seat,  poured out a cup of tea  and lit a cigarette.  A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened,  'what do you think you are doing?  asked the policeman in a sharp tone,  'Sure I'm having me tea break,   replied Paddy,  'And what do you work at? asked the policeman,  'Agh shure I deliver bridges,!  smiled Paddy!

Paddy was driving along the road one fine day
when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy,
that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Paddy was shaving when he knocked the mirror off the shelf and it fell to the floor and it cracked across the middle.

Paddy gazed in horror.   'Bejabbers, I've cut my throat,' he gasped.

Paddy claims that his wife is the only person in the world that parks her car by ear!

Said Paddy:  The best view of Belfast is through the rear window of a car.

Young Sean:   'Ma, will you buy me an encyclopedia?'

Mother:   'That I won't.  you'll walk to school like the rest of the children.'

 Murphy found an old bottle while walking along the beach. As he picks it up to see if there's any whiskey in it, a Genie pops out and offers him three wishes. First he wishes for a bottle of Irish Whiskey that never runs dry. Suddenly, a bottle appears in his hands. He pops the cork and downs the entire bottle. But low and behold, it fills back up in front of his eyes. He tries it again and again. Each time it fills back up with good Irish Whiskey. The Genie asks what he wants for his other two wishes.  
"Well," he said, "I'd like two more of these bottles!"

Mick always fished under the bridge when it was raining as he figured the fish would shelter there.

Paddy was caught stealing a calendar and got twelve months.!

Paddy met a girl who was one of twins.
'Hello der, now tell me, is it you or your sister? Shure each of you looks so like both of you  that I can't tell looking at you whether it's you or the other one.'

Peace has certainly returned to N. Ireland.
Two hundred milk- float tail gunners have just received their discharge papers!

The English landlady wanted to please her Irish lodger so on the first day she gave him a packed lunch with two slices of bread. He didn't seem satisfied so she gave him four slices the next day and then six the next  until she was up to ten slices. Even this wasn't enough , so in despair she cut the loaf in half and put ham in between the pieces. When he came in that evening she asked: 'Had you enough today Paddy?'   ...   'It wasn't bad,' he said grudgingly, ' but I see your back to two slices again.'

The oldest inhabitant of Castle bar was interviewed a few years ago and asked if he had his life to live over again would there be any major change he'd make.
He thought about it .
'Indeed there is .....indeed there is,' he whined.
'And what would it be?'
'Sure and I'd part me hair in the middle so I would.'

Mick: ' That's a nice pair of socks your wearing Paddy one red and one green'.
Paddy:  'Yes, and I've another pair exactly the same at home'.

"Ah, good morning, Mrs. Murphy, and how is everything?"
"Sure  and I'm having a great time of it between my husband and the fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out."

Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.
Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.
'What's wrong with the nails?' he asked.
'Sure the heads are at the wrong end.'
'You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house!.  

'Mick you're working very hard carrying bricks up and down the ladder at that speed'. 'Be quiet. I have them all fooled. sure they're the same bricks all the time.'
 

'If I married you Kate, would your father give the dowry?'
'Yes Paddy.'
'And do you think he'd let us live here if we got married?'
'Yes Paddy.'
'Would he let me be the manager of the public house as well, if we married Kate?.
'Yes Paddy.'
'Will you marry me Kate?'
'No Paddy.'

Flanagan had won a great deal of money and bought himself a piano.
One day Burke saw him pushing it on a handcart along the street.
'What's this, Flanagan! Are you taking it back?'
'Not a bit of it. I'm gong for me first lesson.'
 

An Irishman was walking through the cemetery when he came upon a headstone inscribed: 'Here lies a politician and an honest man.'
'Boys -a-dear,' he said, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in the one grave?'
 

An Irishman was in the dock for drunkenness.
'Were you drunk?' asked the judge,
'Drunk as a judge' replied Paddy
The judge being annoyed at this said 'You mean as drunk as a Lord?'
'Yes my lord' replied Paddy.

A Ballymena man went to a fancy-dress ball dressed as Napoleon so that he could keep his hand on his wallet.
 

The phone rang in a Derry police station.
'Come quickly,' said the voice at the other end.
'Someone's broken into my house and stolen the video and the TV and the stereo.'
A policeman was sent over to investigate.
'This is serious,' he said. 'The window's been broken on both sides.'
 

Paddy , Mick and Liam were shifting furniture but when Paddy struggled with a huge oak wardrobe he noticed that Liam was missing.
'Mick, where's Liam? He should be helping us with this.'
'And sure he is,' protested Mick. 'He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place.'
 

Two Irish farmers were slowly negotiating their tractor and haycart out of a field when a Bangor doctor in his white Maserati came roaring over the hill doing about 120mph and saw the tractor pulling onto the road in front of him.
He slammed on his brakes but he was going to fast and the car skidded into the field and burst into flames.
One of the farmers turned to the other. 'God save us,' he said, 'but we got out of that field just in time.'
 

Two Strabane men had been shipwrecked on an iceberg for six months in 1912 when one turned to the other.
'We're saved,' he said. 'Here comes the Titanic!'
 

A Derry man walks into a pub with a door under his arm.
'what's with the door, Paddy?' asks the barman.
'Oh, I lost my key last night.'
'Well what happens if you lose the door?'
'That's no problem. I left the window open.'

An Irish alibi is the proof that you were in two places at the one time.
 

Did you hear about the Ulster-Euro MP?.. He was illiterate in two languages.
 

Six Irishmen staggered out of a pub barely able to walk, and started to climb into a mini car.

'You drive Liam,' said Paddy, 'Your too drunk to sing.'            
   Irish Proverbs!